It is possible to be a frum mother with a mental health challenge and live a normal life. I do it every day. Getting diagnosed with a mental health challenge isn’t a life sentence. It’s totally possible to be stable and comfortable, to be a patient and caring parent, to make Shabbos and chaggim, to have an avodas Hashem, and to hold down a job. The key is proper treatment, and I’m going to tell you about what works for me. 

I’ll tell you about my background and diagnosis first: I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 19 years old. Retrospectively, I could have been diagnosed at age 14, which is when my symptoms started. Nobody knew what was going on then. It was obvious throughout high school that I would go through periods of depression and periods of mood elevation, but nobody knew to get me mental health care. I took the blame for inconsistent performance in school and felt alienated as a teenager. When I was 19, and in my first year of college, I was so miserable with my mood swings that I sought mental health care for myself at the campus clinic. That’s when I was diagnosed as Bipolar. I didn’t start medication for another 10 months after my diagnosis, and my symptoms got more extreme. I finally got so frustrated with my mood swings that I went to a psychiatrist and started medication at age 20. The medication worked to stabilize me. I was able to feel “normal” for the first time. That was my entry into a lifetime of mental health care.  

For the past 25 years, I have taken a cocktail of mood-stabilizers and anti-depressants, gone to therapy, and taken care of myself. It has not been without ups and downs. I have had manic episodes and depression at various times, but they have always been able to be solved by changing my medication and continuing therapy. Especially in the early years of treatment, I had a lot to learn about staying stable. I have learned through years of experience, and some of those experiences were hard. I’ve come to see mental health care as an ongoing process, one that is dynamic and requires maintenance. The body habituates to medication and doses need to change over time, which means that I have to pay attention to my moods and state of mind. It also means that I must meet with my psychiatrist regularly and communicate with him immediately when something “feels off.” 

One way I know that something is “off” is when it’s harder to parent my children. I have two young boys. When I start losing my patience easily or feeling overwhelmed by parenting, I know that I need an adjustment. How I relate to my children and husband is the proverbial canary in the coal mine. My husband notices changes in my mood even more quickly than I do. Instead of getting angry with me, he will say, “Call your doctor.” It’s humbling but I make an appointment to see my psychiatrist every time, and every time the issue can be resolved. I’ve yet to have mood instability that could not be contained by medication, lifestyle, and therapy.  

One of my biggest challenges as a mother was PMAD, otherwise known as post-partum depression. I am predisposed to it due to my mental health challenge. I had it for two years with each of my children and it put immense pressure on my marriage. However, in both cases I was eventually able to stabilize through medication. It took a lot of trial and error to get through it, which included changing mental health providers, but ultimately, I got the help I needed.  

I don’t do well with social isolation, so working outside the house is a lifestyle habit that contributes to my stability. Getting out of the house every morning and interacting with coworkers helps keep my mood stable. Too much time at home is a trigger for depressive episodes. I recognize that some mothers have large families and are unable to work outside the house; I would recommend having some kind of daily structure that gets one out to avoid a feeling of isolation. 

Sleep is another lifestyle habit that contributes to my good mental health. We can’t afford cleaning help and sometimes it’s tempting to stay up late cleaning the house, but I prioritize getting into bed by 10:30 PM. As a result, my apartment isn’t perfect. I do as much as I can during the day, and I prioritize zones of my apartment for cleaning. I always keep my kitchen very clean, but sometimes clean laundry will stay in the basket for a couple days before I put it away or my children’s toys will sit out on the floor. I’m not a superwoman and I need to sleep to be OK. Lack of sleep triggers both mania and depression, so I have to prioritize it.  

Daily exercise is very important for my mental health. Without it, I slide into depression and anxiety. I am lucky that exercise is built into my workday – I have a 30-minute walk to work, so I get an hour of exercise every day just by commuting to and from work.  Having such a commute is a true blessing from Hashem. I understand how challenging it is for mothers to find time for exercise.  

In terms of how I relate to my community, I don’t usually share with anyone that I have Bipolar Disorder. I’m not really open about it. Only my close friends know. Frum communities are very tight knit, as you know. I don’t want anyone to perceive me as different. I’m not ashamed of my diagnosis (I’m actually proud of myself for leading such a normal life despite it – I have worked hard to get to this point), but I also want my privacy. My mental health practitioners are from outside the community – that's what I have always felt comfortable with. Some frum people prefer their practitioners to be from inside their communities so that they fully understand their cultural background. In either case, practitioners are bound by confidentiality laws. Working with practitioners from inside the community is still a safe option in terms of privacy. My choice to go outside for help does not reflect on the quality of mental health care inside the community – we have some very good options, especially Pesach Tikvah.  

Another thing that comes up as a frum mother with a mental health challenge is yomim tovim. During long holidays like Pesach and Sukkos, I’m not able to go to therapy or talk with my support network. The cooking, childcare, and cleaning obligations of those holidays can feel overwhelming. Three-day chaggim are particularly difficult for me. I’ve had to adjust my expectations for myself. We don’t host guests for every meal. I make a simple menu. During my downtime on holidays I read books on spirituality and self-help. I plan to meet up with friends for short visits so that I don’t feel isolated. I also recognize that my primary avoda is taking care of my children and making the yomtov feel good for my family, so I let go of criticizing myself for not having a perfect avoda at shul. 

I am able to lead a normal life, but it’s a life that requires effort and maintenance. It also requires awareness of my mood and state of mind. I’ve had to accept that I have certain limitations that other frum moms don’t have, such as the number of children I can have, and that my life looks imperfect. However, I’m a mental health treatment success story. I take things one day at a time, I try to stay connected to Hashem, and I never miss a dose of my medications.